May this blog rest in peace.

Titleless

"Are you an onion?" "Yes," he replied.  Of course before I ever asked the figurative question, I already knew the answer.  I was happy to hear the answer I expected nonetheless.  I enjoy the layers and I enjoy not knowing everything there is to know.  My most dear friend is an onion. 

In reality every human being is a complex configuration of their experiences, environment, personality, character, fears, ambitions, desires, motives, emotions, thoughts, feelings, passions, etc.  And then to think of every human being, each with his own DNA, which means their bodies are individually distinct and different as well as their minds being wired differently.  Yes, we are all pretty much the same.  I have a nose, and most likely you have a nose too.  Eyes, ears, mouth, and nose.  Yada yada yada.  Despite our similarities, there are endless ways that we are different and complex.  

Some of us dive deeper into exploring the depths of our own souls more than others.  Which means some of us understand some of our own complexities with greater clarity than others understand their own.  

I believe it takes a lifetime and more to discover who oneself is.  

At age 14, I remember walking out of the bathroom one day and catching glimpse of myself in the mirror.  For some reason or other, I saw myself in a different perspective which caused me to pause and return back to the mirror.  I stood in front of the mirror with my face right up close and stared at myself.  I wanted to stare into my reflection for as long was necessary until I saw who I truly was.  I hoped that what I knew myself inwardly as would match what I saw outwardly.  I distinctly remember singing that Mulan song that goes "Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?  Why is my reflection someone I don't know? ... When will my reflection show whom I am inside?  Dorky, I know.  But it wouldn't surprise you to know that I cried that day looking at my reflection and feeling lost and like a stranger.  I felt like an orange amongst apples.  Someone that just didn't fit.  And as a young adult, we want to fit so badly into what is "normal" and "typical" and "cool."  But as I stared at myself in the mirror, I didn't see anything new or discover the girl inside of me.  It was the same image that I had always known and the workings of my inner self were, still the same, elusive to me.

At the time, I had no idea how I could get from point A to point B - from not knowing who I was to discovering, knowing, and understanding myself.  Approximately ten years later, I can look in the mirror and understand a great deal more about myself.  Still, it is only a fraction.  But instead of crying, a grimace creeps across my face because I am proud of my talents and my uniqueness, so much that it makes me smile.  For the most part, I embrace the orange that I am and do not try to blend in as an apple.   

But, I think of myself and the complexities that I am familiar with and that are distinct to me (relatively distinct at least).  Its overwhelming to try to comprehend the entire workings of my heart, mind, and soul all in one moment!  And then multiply that by a billion and even more! We are a whole race of people walking around this earth too complex to comprehensively imagine our diversity and the make-up of each individual!!!  There is no one equation that is followed to equal the product of the human being.  Mind boggling I tell you! lol  Seriously.

Somehow we manage to get along.  Not despite, but I think especially because of our differences, we manage to get along.  We find pleasure in the other's company.  But the greatest miracle of all I think is to love them.

I do not understand one's capability to love, not in any of it's forms.  But I find myself capable of it anyhow.  The greatest gift I have been given is that ability to love.  I wish to use it rightly and wisely.  Perhaps in part for this reason, I write this entry.

There are certain rights that EVERY human being is entitled to.  One of the which is the right to be who you choose to be.  To be an individual.  Say it however you will.  We, as a gift from God, have been given agency.  The very principle that the War in Heaven was fought over - agency. It's a HUGE deal.

And as an ugly part of human nature, we have the tendency to want to project our opinions and the choices we would personally make onto others.  ie:  At a restaurant, one friend questions and asks the other, "Ewww.  Why did you order the clam chowder?  You should have ordered something like... instead."  Also: back-seat drivers.  Start thinking of all the times you project what you would choose, think, or do onto others.  Most likely, its frequent.  We want others to choose how we would choose.  We want others to behave as we would behave.  To think as we think.  Are they not entitled to just as much exercise of freedom of choice as we are?

Perhaps there is no more satisfying love than to love unconditionally embracing the differences.  Unless those differences are acknowledged, recognized and respected, the love offered seems shallow at best.   

So whatever you are, whoever you are, you deserve to be permitted to be you.  And permitted the opportunity and privilege to discover who you are and choose what you want to be.  You will love people for their differences and as you do, you will inevitably be loved in return.

To the knappy, buck-toothed, freckle-faced, grossly skinny, red-headed little girl looking at her self in the mirror singing with an imperfect voice... hold on.  You are just right as you are.  In the eyes of those that love you, you are beautiful - inside and out.  Nothing will make you more beautiful than the belief that you are beautiful and as you act accordingly you will allow and lead others to see their individual beauty.  

Do you love me because I am beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?  As God's creations, we are indisputably beautiful and unique.  Of all the billions and billions of people to live, each is their own and our greatest gift and challenge is to love them.

Chasing the Intangibles

A mighty and super cool thunderstorm was swirling in the sky above and all around me and I thought, "There is NO WAY that I am missing this!"  I love thunder and rain storms so I was thrilled that I was in a circumstance that allowed me to relish and make the most of the storm.  Naturally, my good friends allowed me to bow out of what had just been freshly planned for the night and released me so that I could chase the storm and enjoy it for all its worth!  Sweet moment of freedom!!!!  I grabbed my favorite plaid blanket, jumped in my car, and was off!  I turned off all noise so that I could hear the soothing sounds of the rain beating against my car.  

The heaviest part of the storm was in the middle of the valley and middle of the city by the time I was able to hit the road.  I wasn't only interested in being in the thick of the storm, but more interested in being in the thick of the storm by myself in the middle of no where so that I could see, breathe, and hear the sounds of nature.  The next best place to be in the storm was nestled right up into the mountains near Alpine.  I meandered my way through unknown roads until finally I found myself at a road that could go no further.  I was at the base of the mountain that still sported snowy fields.  I heard the sound of wind through the trees and fast rushing water nearby.  I unrolled my windows, turned off the lights, reclined my chair and covered myself with my blanket so that only my face could feel the cold and rainy wind blowing through the woods.  The rain pitter pattered against the roof - a sound so delicate that it could not be heard on the drive over the sound of the rain hitting the windshield which although enjoyable does not compare with the sound upon the rooftop.  

I had finally arrived!!!  And... as I listened to the sounds of nature, felt the change in temperature upon my skin, and felt the beatings of my heart getting slower and more relaxed, I knew that I was absolutely content in that one moment.  I longed for nothing more than what I had.  I had no desire to leave, no worry that encroached upon my mind, no anger that burdened my heart, no wish other than what I had that very place and time.  I simply just wanted to be.  I could even smell the aroma of the alpine trees and wondered if I could capture it to keep and carry with me for reference at a later date.  Surely the store-bought car scent does the true smell no justice.  

So many inferior things are used as a substitute for the real deal.  Sometimes in the rush of life surrounded by concrete and stop lights I forget that in the simplicity of nature is where I most long to be.  Even the clothes that I adorn myself with day to day attempting to masquerade myself as a semi-professional and spend far too many dollars and hours in the pursuit thereof are far different than the clothes I most want to be in.  Give me a pair of durable canvas shorts, a Hane's tee, and Chacos and call me a happy girl.  

Getting back to the basics.  I've made some progress here and there and have regressed equally in other areas.  Sometimes I feel that it is my life that rules me and not I that rule my life.  And I take that back, I need to allow my life to be ruled by the man upstairs, my perfect Father in Heaven.  Silly Me, I fill my time with so many unnecessary and inconsequential frivolities.  

But before I lose the blessings of the day that were found at the end of the road in a rainstorm, I will lay aside thoughts of inadequacy and shortcoming.  After an hour or so the storm passed, the evening sky was getting dark and the profile of the mountains was beginning to blend with the oncoming night.  

The day was beautiful for what I found even for the duration of my short adventure "chasing" the rain and finding a resting place to enjoy its short life-span overhead.  Sweet solace and sweet creation.  I'd chase a thousand storms to see what could be found at the end of each road.

Simple Thursdays

One of the few places that I consistently feel at peace and tranquil is in front of a computer typing away and spelling out my thoughts and emotions.  I'm deeply grateful for the refuge I've found in writing.  I think it takes a specific and patient soul to wade through and appreciate my overly emotional, idealistic, and lengthy writings.  If I can communicate through writing I consider myself lucky.  It is unobtrusive and I appreciate the chance to communicate in such a way.

Although as of late, I find that my thoughts will not lay still long enough to be captured in writing - this is a great frustration for me because I am unable to receive the therapeutic benefits that come from having expounded well the workings of my inner self.  When I am able to draw those thoughts from my mind and spill them onto paper (or screen), the effects make me feel as if I have just been given a calming serum intravenously.

A simple but unexpected explanation to my frustrated writing habits is that I have no audience.  I am a communicator by nature and happily guilty of being labeled as a blue in Dr. Taylor Hartman's Color Code which means I long for meaningful relationships and I thrive on human interaction.  But as I write or as I have attempted to write on my blog in the last months, I find that my mind refuses to relinquish in any coherent form the workings of my heart and mind.  Which makes me wonder... why am I mute when there is no audience?  What does an audience import?  What validation do I seek?  Why do I need a receiver to reveal my best self to?  Can I not just emulate what I am or who I am regardless?  Can I not share my talents and gifts with the world without having an obvious specific receiver?  I should be able to I know.  

As of late I have not made myself readily available to bear the burdens of those around me.  I am willing and desire to do so but as observers have noted, it has been difficult to form any connection or bond with me.  I have not done sufficient introspection to know the reasons for my hard and unapproachable demeanor as perceived by those individuals who are new to my acquaintance.  I suppose it is relevant to me not receiving a reaction/response/validation from the specific audience that I seek...

... and thats as far as my mind permits me to travel this evening.  My thoughts have just escaped me.

****** the below is what I had originally written but before publishing the post, I returned to what was previously only a preface and made a somewhat successful effort to expound upon the thoughts I was having.  *******

I've learned and experienced a great deal of goodness today.  Simple things and simple pleasures.  Instrumental piano music by Ludovico Einaudi while driving up Big Cottonwood Canyon alone with the crisp smell of the running river by the side of the road, feeling enlightened and strengthened through the Holy Spirit of the Lord as I sat through my first of the semester's institute classes.  I got to make pinwheels for centerpieces at work and even a few extra for my new boss's children (he seemed to enjoy the pinwheels as much as I did).  At the end of the day, I was even lucky to watch a film about a mom who is a breast-cancer patient and going through chemo.  I sat with a friend and shared our first one-on-one conversation sharing personal stories and experiences.  I saw an old friend and was lucky to be on the receiving end of a favor being given.  I remembered and missed someone who I have great love for and even wondered - "What do I do with this love in my heart for one who is no longer with me?"  My answer was to give that same love to someone new and risk new experiences and risk creating trust and dedicating service to a new benefactor.  

Today is a Thursday and I am not surprised at all that it has been such a lovely and full day.  Thursdays, second to Sundays, have long been one of my favorite days of the week.  

Par 3

I never would have thought an evening at the driving range would have such great affects. As I received coaching from a trusted friend, I focused every part of myself on the few instructions I was being given, maintaining a good "athletic stance," an appropriate distance from the end of the club and myself, keeping my left arm straight and my right arm as close to my body as possible, etc. I heard that in order to have a perfect golf swing, there have got to be 225 things that go right. Amusing to think how few of those 225 things I was focusing on.

That evening I felt a tremendous peace. Maybe the fact that I was enjoying the companionship of a cherished friend and enjoying the comfort that comes from 4 years of friendship, and oddly even the walking boot I wore on my left foot was a natural part of me that night as I was in the company of my friend instead of being a foreign object and cumbersome, but there was more to my peace than just that.

Despite the smile I wear externally and visibly, my gregariousness, and the straight forward and confident approach, my mind is typically overwhelmed with activity. For the most part, I am able to organize the twister of thoughts, but occasionally, and as of late frequently, I feel like I am running after a run-away carriage - too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many tasks, too many stresses, too many pressures, too many expectations, too many worries, and too many dreams and aspirations to maintain control of. Sometimes I feel like they are leading me instead of me leading them.

But, that warm evening at the driving range - focusing and discarding the unnecessary thoughts in my mind I was led to a great peace. My mind was calm. For a few moments, I felt centered. My friend is amused with my new love for golf and my reasoning behind it. But, nonetheless, I think he is happy to have found a new golfing partner.

Since that night when I felt a great calm, I have been motivated to continue to maintain that peace and tranquility. Being inspired once again to concentrate on the essentials and basic principles of life - compassion, kindness, understanding, living without fear, simplicity, spirituality, and balance.

Again, I am drawn back to study the teachings of Buddha and meditation. There are great things I want to accomplish in this life and I must learn organization to my thoughts and eliminate the unnecessary and imprudent burdens.

To be continued...

A Lesson in Discipleship

Its been so long since I've felt a desire to write. However tonight, I am overwhelmed with emotions and don't seem to know what to do with them all. Emotions of love, of gratitude, of convictions. Its been an Easter quite different than any I would have imagined or that I imagine having in the future. But dispite the myriad of activities that did not seem fitting of what an Easter should be, the opportunity to celebrate the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus Christ still found way to reveal itself.

I'm listening to the hymn Amazing Grace one of the most touching hymns regarding the miracle of a blind man finding Jesus Christ and being blessed by the effects of the Atonement. My heart grows tender just listening and remembering my dear sweet Savior.

For some unknown reason today my mind recollected some experiences from my mission. President Arnold, our area authority was speaking at a Zone Conference and was encouraging us to improve the number of street contacts we made each day. How as representatives of Jesus Christ we should feel an urgency to share the message with everyone around us, no matter what. The amount of street contacts being made in the mission by the missionaries at that time was very low. The reason for the low stats was most likely the fear of rejection. President Arnold continued to bear his testimony about being a representative of Christ and the responsibility to carry His message to every ear that could hear the message. Inevitably we would be rejected by some who did not want to hear. Inevitably some would mock, lie, be cruel to, or ridicule us as we tried to proclaim the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. The small amount of rejection that we were asked to face compared to the ridicule and rejection that Christ faced and the price He paid in our behalves are far from being similiar. The message that President Arnold wanted to instill in us was that we should be proud to be rejected for Jesus Christ. Whatever the cost to spread the message of Jesus Christ and be representatives of Him, we should be honored to pay.

I don't have the words to explain what that means adequately except that I know when I faced rejection after that, it did not hurt. I was being rejected for the cause of Jesus Christ. In the like matter that a soldier fights for his country and is willing to lay down even his life. It seems frivolous to think that someone might shrink from the opportunity to represent Jesus Christ if it meant only that that person would face a small amount of rejection. But sometimes in the rush of life, our forgetfulness, and our ego-centric habits, we shrink from the call to stand as witnesses of Christ at all times, in all things, and in all places.

Today served as a reminder to me to stand as a witness of Christ at all times, in all things and in all places. It is the very least that I can do to show my gratitude for what has been given to me by my Savior. I would be proud to be rejected for my Savior. Again, words do not suffice, nor do I want to extract those sacred feelings that live within my soul that reflect the love and gratitude that I have for my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ.

Meu Salvador

Now there is something to be said about the Savior. I wish that this blog posting could be written in music and song rather than just words because songs capture so much more fully the depth of feeling and communicates not only what the composer thinks and feels but is a reflection to the listener of the sacred things that lie in their own heart. A song can be communion between composer and listener without the two ever having to meet.

But as I am mortal and already used to the strings that bind and limitations that prohibit me from living all the desires of my heart, I will settle with just words.

First, as a disclaimer. Words can be eloquent, persuasive, meaningful, and even have the power to penetrate the softest tissues of our hearts, but in the end, words are only words. A combination of symbols in print that reflect an idea, thought, etc. Although I write today in words, they are only symbols on a paper, nothing of extraordinary worth.

What is of worth is how I live. How I support my words with my actions. What I am found doing and thinking in the solitude when I am alone. How I extend myself to others when I am not in peaceful solitude. How I love. How I live my testimony and gratitude rather than just write and dream about it.

So, my true testimony and my true identity lie in my works.

My Savior Jesus Christ. Based from what I do know of Him, I believe that I love him. Although as imperfect demonstration of my life that I offer, I believe still, that I love him.

The comprehensive meaning of the sacrifice that He performed is beyond me and I expect that it will be through the duration of my mortal life.

His love is almost impossibly sweet and pure. The kindness that is reflected in His eyes in even a painting connects me with this Heavenly Being. Heavenly and Earthly. He knows no heavenly limitations yet is familiar with every earthly limitation. He has mastered the skills necessary to live a perfect life. Mastered them perfectly the first time and every time.

He knew the balance between keeping himself clean from the impurities of the world, yet not shunning away from the people who were buried deep in those impurities. I strive to understand how I too can learn that balance. And when I err, He is there to reassure me that my errors and the cost for them has already been paid. I don't understand His grace and how it is extended to me infinitely.

He is wise enough and kind enough to allow me to experience great pain in the moment because it is a lesser amount of pain than what I would experience in the future than if He were to spare me from that present pain, or enduring that seemingly so tragic disappointment that I face today.

Although my works are a reflection of who I am, He is compassionate enough not to judge me until the end of my days. Not what I am currently. He can see me for what I was yesterday, who I am today, and who I will be many tomorrows from now.

He is patient enough to walk beside and not scold me when I fall into the same old habits and forget the new lessons that I have already been taught countless times. He allows me to repent endlessly. He allows me to repent even when I take for granted His Atonement which is precious above all. He allows me to repent when I am blind and am an ungrateful servant and would seek to keep others from receiving those same blessings that I have already received and proudly assume that I will continue to receive.

He sacrificed everything. For every mistake that I have made, every sin of omission and commission that I have been too carnal, too lazy, too proud, too apathetic, and too ignorant that were all manifestations of my unwillingness to sacrifice myself the same way that He was.

He blesses me with the goodness of those around me -strangers, acquaintances, associates, friends, ward family and my own family members. Their warmness, uplifting words, counsels, concern, laughter, and time spent with me sharing their talents are all tender mercies of the Lord.


To be continued. I will write my conclusion another night. I'm drained of energy.