Sweet, sweet Sunday. Oh how I love the close of Sundays. Sunday has long been my favorite day of the week. Singing, worship, instruction, recommitment, testimony, prayer, reflection, friends, and good food-it seems a perfect combination.
Most Sundays I feel that the previous week has come to an appropriate and timely close and I am well ready to start a new week. This Sunday I wish the new week were not starting already. This previous week has ended ambiguosly. There has been a great close but at the same time, this same closing is not a closing at all. This closing has led me to a wide open horizon. How many times have I faced this same blank horizon? Too many to count. Typically, facing the horizon and imagining the possibilities I would be energized and ecstatic. This time, I face it with happiness and an open mind, but all the while, still with a knawing stomach ache.
At the end of such a wonderfully simple and enjoyable day it seems absurd that it should also be accompanied by a profound stomach ache.
The road is long and I am tired.
I should be grateful to be tired. All of the greats must have lived with constant exhaustion. I should be grateful the road is long. How many more lessons does the road afford me because it is long?
The Lord is good to me and provides me with answers. Answers do not always mean understanding. But by default, the answers help me compartmentalize some of the useless information circulating in my head. The answers teach me what is relevant and what is not.
On Saturday night, another almost perfect day, I found myself longing to be back in the temple of the Lord once more. Circumstances only permitted me to walk about the temple grounds for a few short minutes and bask in the tranquility that exists even outside of the walls. The warm light visible through the windows glowed into the night dark. How badly I wanted to be inside where that light came from, how badly I wanted the same peace that filled my soul just one night before. Oh yes, the peace is still within my heart and even my mind, but more by memory than by way of feeling. I know the Lord expects me to remember my thoughts and feelings from that night. I know that I will need to lean upon them because the road is still long.
But, it is not a road that I am unfamiliar with walking. I walk each step with greater experience than I had before. I am an opportunist and have therefore looked for opportunities of growth and development along the way. I have made myself available to the experiences that transform a person. They have enabled me to walk tall and confidently. I may not know what the road in front of me looks like, but I know for the most part which tools I need to be successful. I am the woman I am presently because my hands are well familiar with those tools. I know them. I practice using them. I am blessed with having a good understanding and working knowledge of them. I am able to live well because of my experiences, knowledge and application of it.
The Lord has blessed me abundantly and has extended to me an even greater amount of grace and mery, as He does with all. However, it is our choices of what we will do with the opportunities of growth and development that will dictate how permanent those blessings remain and are perpetuated.
Now as I continue on my path.... what other skills and tricks of the trade will I learn? haha
Surely, life is both a tragedy and a comedy, but I pity the man who can only see it as a tragedy.
22 March 2009
18 March 2009
Computer Error
Writing has become a vice. Somehow it has turned into an addiction that I am starting to feel prisoner to. I love writing. Its like a drug. When I write, and my thoughts, emotions, ideas, feelings, etc are expressed I feel a relief and satisfaction in having taken what is unorganized internally and organizing it externally.
I feel an information overload. In my desire to write, my naturally existing desire to observe has been magnified. My mind is constantly observing, thinking, and trying to process all the information that I take in. There are too many theories, philosophies, ideas, facts, laws, and opinions that contradict one another. Without organization in my mind, or without an appropriate compartment to store and file all the information that my mind is taking in, the information cycles around and around without a resting place. All the while, I'm trying to make sense of it all and formulate a correct equation. But I don't know which tidbits of information should be the factors and which tidbits are the sums of the various factors and which do not even belong the the equation.
I'm an idealist. I have a certain perception of the world that is quite and unbelievably flawed. Some would say it is one of my great strengths. I, who live with an incorrect and skewed vision of the world, wish I could perceive things less ideally and closer to reality.
Sometimes I am afraid that if I were to see the world for what it really is, it might break my spirit. The realists might call me naive for my perspective of the world. I disagree. I know that my perception of the world is heavily marked by hope and optimism, which should not be confused for ignorance.
I know that my optimism affects a good number of people in a positive way. They tell me they are grateful for it and that it is a great strength to them. For this reason, I am grateful for my optimism.
How does my optimism and idealism affect me? It makes me resilient -one of my defining characteristics. No matter how dark the day, my spirit seems to pierce through the darkness (sometimes the gloom being a product of my own actions/words/thoughts). How does my optimism affect me for the negative? Tonight I am more aware of the negative effects. My optimism hurts me. It brings pain to my little heart that is immensely feeling. I take risks, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I believe that love makes a difference -no matter in what form it is given, I sacrifice myself for the sake of the cause.
But in the end, I know my perception of the world is flawed. My personal philosophy of the best way to live brings great disappointment and heartache.
But even my philosphy of how life should be lived is resilient. Dispite the pain, dispite the proof that I will be disappointed continually, I cannot shake myself of the hope I have in people. I cannot convince myself that I will always be disappointed. What a silly farce. I know I will be disappointed for given reasons always thoughout periods of my life and until the end of my life. But what I know, what I hope for, and what I believe do not always match. They should match. There would be less turmoil in my mind if they were all congruent with eachother.
Sometimes, I get tired of hurting. Sometimes I get tired of observing the actions of others and feeling the effects on my heart as sometimes the effects are so painfully cruel.
When we are little, and people tell us that life is hard, I think we have no idea what they are talking about. Only as I get older, and see life continually getting harder do I start to imagine the depth of the phrase, "life is hard." It would be more appropriate to say, "life kicks the living crap out of you." The purpose of getting the crap kicked out of us is to see what we are made of. If at the end of our lives, there is something left of us that is good, then I suppose we will merit a reward.
At this very moment, all I can do is try to cope. There is a fine line that separates those who are mentally, emotionally, & socially well from those who have lost it. All I try to do is walk the line, continuing in my duties, my responsibilities, applying my knowledge so that I can live wisely, and trying to find a balance between my philosophy of life and loving as much as I can and the reality of a uncaring world.
I pray that there is someone taking care of me from up above because I do not know how to do what I do any differently than how I do it. I pray that the stretching of my soul will lead to a beautiful and stronger product.
I feel an information overload. In my desire to write, my naturally existing desire to observe has been magnified. My mind is constantly observing, thinking, and trying to process all the information that I take in. There are too many theories, philosophies, ideas, facts, laws, and opinions that contradict one another. Without organization in my mind, or without an appropriate compartment to store and file all the information that my mind is taking in, the information cycles around and around without a resting place. All the while, I'm trying to make sense of it all and formulate a correct equation. But I don't know which tidbits of information should be the factors and which tidbits are the sums of the various factors and which do not even belong the the equation.
I'm an idealist. I have a certain perception of the world that is quite and unbelievably flawed. Some would say it is one of my great strengths. I, who live with an incorrect and skewed vision of the world, wish I could perceive things less ideally and closer to reality.
Sometimes I am afraid that if I were to see the world for what it really is, it might break my spirit. The realists might call me naive for my perspective of the world. I disagree. I know that my perception of the world is heavily marked by hope and optimism, which should not be confused for ignorance.
I know that my optimism affects a good number of people in a positive way. They tell me they are grateful for it and that it is a great strength to them. For this reason, I am grateful for my optimism.
How does my optimism and idealism affect me? It makes me resilient -one of my defining characteristics. No matter how dark the day, my spirit seems to pierce through the darkness (sometimes the gloom being a product of my own actions/words/thoughts). How does my optimism affect me for the negative? Tonight I am more aware of the negative effects. My optimism hurts me. It brings pain to my little heart that is immensely feeling. I take risks, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I believe that love makes a difference -no matter in what form it is given, I sacrifice myself for the sake of the cause.
But in the end, I know my perception of the world is flawed. My personal philosophy of the best way to live brings great disappointment and heartache.
But even my philosphy of how life should be lived is resilient. Dispite the pain, dispite the proof that I will be disappointed continually, I cannot shake myself of the hope I have in people. I cannot convince myself that I will always be disappointed. What a silly farce. I know I will be disappointed for given reasons always thoughout periods of my life and until the end of my life. But what I know, what I hope for, and what I believe do not always match. They should match. There would be less turmoil in my mind if they were all congruent with eachother.
Sometimes, I get tired of hurting. Sometimes I get tired of observing the actions of others and feeling the effects on my heart as sometimes the effects are so painfully cruel.
When we are little, and people tell us that life is hard, I think we have no idea what they are talking about. Only as I get older, and see life continually getting harder do I start to imagine the depth of the phrase, "life is hard." It would be more appropriate to say, "life kicks the living crap out of you." The purpose of getting the crap kicked out of us is to see what we are made of. If at the end of our lives, there is something left of us that is good, then I suppose we will merit a reward.
At this very moment, all I can do is try to cope. There is a fine line that separates those who are mentally, emotionally, & socially well from those who have lost it. All I try to do is walk the line, continuing in my duties, my responsibilities, applying my knowledge so that I can live wisely, and trying to find a balance between my philosophy of life and loving as much as I can and the reality of a uncaring world.
I pray that there is someone taking care of me from up above because I do not know how to do what I do any differently than how I do it. I pray that the stretching of my soul will lead to a beautiful and stronger product.
07 March 2009
The Visionary, The Champion, The Inspirer
Charles Dickens, Joan Baez, Dave Matthews, John Lennon, Jewel, Eleanor Roosevelt & Bill Cosby - just a few of us who belong to the club ENFP. 2-3% of the world's population is represented by us and others like us. I am proud to be among them. We are called ENFP, short for Extraverted Intuitive Feeling & Perceptive.
When I first heard about personality profiles, I was was a skeptic and was sure that they were only taken seriously by quacks and weirdos. haha And then... years later, I was forced to participate in one... and it was surprisingly accurate. The more I learned, the more I marveled. Truly, as I love people, it continues to be a fascination still. Through the years, there have been few things that have managed to maintain both my fascination and attention.
Even for someone who resists being labeled as much as I do, I have to surrender and submit to the legitimacy of being labeled an ENFP by the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Definitely uncanny how I am described on paper almost perfectly by someone who is far displaced from me.
Some links I discovered. The first being the best.
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm
http://similarminds.com/jung/enfp.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow
Living
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
ENFPs like travel and reading because these activities open experiences of other times and places. Their reading often brings quiet and reflection time, as well as new material for their dreams. Their travels afford them opportunities to experience different people and cultures.
Working
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Leading
ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.
Of course, these are only exerpts. But even in their incompleteness, they are still accurate. Worth investigating your own type.
When I first heard about personality profiles, I was was a skeptic and was sure that they were only taken seriously by quacks and weirdos. haha And then... years later, I was forced to participate in one... and it was surprisingly accurate. The more I learned, the more I marveled. Truly, as I love people, it continues to be a fascination still. Through the years, there have been few things that have managed to maintain both my fascination and attention.
Even for someone who resists being labeled as much as I do, I have to surrender and submit to the legitimacy of being labeled an ENFP by the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Definitely uncanny how I am described on paper almost perfectly by someone who is far displaced from me.
Some links I discovered. The first being the best.
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm
http://similarminds.com/jung/enfp.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow
Living
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
ENFPs like travel and reading because these activities open experiences of other times and places. Their reading often brings quiet and reflection time, as well as new material for their dreams. Their travels afford them opportunities to experience different people and cultures.
Working
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Leading
ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.
Of course, these are only exerpts. But even in their incompleteness, they are still accurate. Worth investigating your own type.
Long Way Around
I’m sitting at home alone, cuddled in my favorite fleece blanket, being soothed by Nora Jones music, and reminiscing the moments I was with my new nephew tonight in the hospital. Tranquility. Peace. Oh how sweet it is.
On the drive home from the hospital I was once again jamming out with my favorite gals, the Dixie Chicks. Each time I listen to their album, Taking the Long Way, I am further impressed with the completeness of that album. From the first time I pushed the play button, I fell in love with it.
Many of their songs and especially the album cover could be included on the soundtrack of my life. So I will raise my glass to those brilliant women the Dixie Chicks and praise them heartily. Of course, lyrics are only half the beauty. Only listening to the songs can you grasp the full scope.
The Long Way Around
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday
I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I, I could never follow
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Oh, I'll just take my time, I won't lay down
And take the long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I hurt myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Easy Silence
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
On the drive home from the hospital I was once again jamming out with my favorite gals, the Dixie Chicks. Each time I listen to their album, Taking the Long Way, I am further impressed with the completeness of that album. From the first time I pushed the play button, I fell in love with it.
Many of their songs and especially the album cover could be included on the soundtrack of my life. So I will raise my glass to those brilliant women the Dixie Chicks and praise them heartily. Of course, lyrics are only half the beauty. Only listening to the songs can you grasp the full scope.
The Long Way Around
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday
I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I, I could never follow
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Oh, I'll just take my time, I won't lay down
And take the long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I hurt myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Easy Silence
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
28 February 2009
Quivering Voices and Fearful Eyes
The unexpected is always upon us.
My mother is dying. She refuses to visit the doctors because she is afraid of what they will tell her. I don't know if ignorance is bliss. She is not ignorant. I think she knows deep down that this time is different. This time the cancer is different. It is the first time that I have seen my mom afraid. She tries to hide it. To protect us from the hurt. But it will come. When it does come, it will come with no announcement. And after it has come, we will look back and wonder in what ways it could have been different had we had a sure knowledge. In which ways would we have lived differently.
Because my mom avoids confronting the realities of her cancer, we too are permitted to avoid confronting them. Only postponing the inevitable.
I often try to imagine the reality of losing my mom prematurely. I guess the word prematurely is all relative. Maybe I should say, losing her earlier than expected rather than prematurely. But, I cannot know how I will feel. How my dad will feel, my brothers, my sisters.
Death. It affects us all differently.
If there is one surety, it is that life goes on. Life does not wait. It rolls on. Death may take our loved ones from us. Our loved ones may simply change and voluntarily walk out the exit door of our lives. Where are we left? The same place as we were before they disappeared from our realm of experience. We are left with the same responsibilities to fulfill. In effect of our loss, our feelings may be deeper and more intense than anything we've ever known. Our feelings may paralyze us and leave us numb. But all the while, life rolls on. I imagine it much like a large boulder, slowly with little sound rolling forward, on whatever path it will.
When we want life to remain the same, it changes. When we want life to change, it remains the same. So it goes with people too.
There are an endless number of changes happening continually that we are so much helpless to control. Our challenge, our test is what we do with ourselves. How we react. How we govern ourselves. We are agents that have the power to act and not to be acted upon.
We can stop and lie wounded as victims on the wayside, allowing fear, anger, resentment, falsehoods, etc. to settle into our hearts. Or we can accept the challenge with an awareness of what our true task is.
Death will take my mother earlier than I can prepare myself for. On Tuesday of this week, my close friend lost her father to cancer. She immediately flew to Mexico to be with her family. It is hard for me to comprehend that I will someday soon be wearing a pair of shoes that are very much like the ones she now wears.
Everyday at work I see the distressed spouses of cancer patients. It is very sobering. However, it is also a great beauty to see them support their spouse through sickness, giving everything and not even knowing or being reassured that there fight and their efforts will be of any saving effect. I see the fear in their eyes as sometimes their spouses sit on a very fine line between life and death. They do all they can to maintain themselves, to maintain their strength, composure, and their courage. The look in their eye and the quiver in their voice as they sometimes talk effects me the very most.
I know that sometimes that same quiver is in my voice when I speak. For now, they are fears and emotions that I keep reserved internally. I expect that one day they will escape in all their fury and glory. We will see what life is like then. How it changes for my family. How it will change for each sibling and how it will be changed for my father. How will we handle the most significant person in our lives leaving from our realms of experience?
No matter how great the loss. No matter how true and deep our love be for a person. If they leave voluntarily. If they leave involuntarily. We must continue on. Knowing that in our life will be placed other people to love. Maybe we doubt that we will not love them as much as we loved the persons prior. Or that the love of the persons in the future will be as sweet as those that came before. Maybe that will be true. But we take our lot and we make the most of it.
Life will not wait until we are ready for it to take my mother from this earth. It will happen, we will be unprepared, unready, unhappy, but it will happen. Life will still expect that we fulfill it's demands. It will not stop and wait for us to recover before it asks us to continue walking our paths. It will not ask us if we agree, or if we accept. It is aloof from our cares. It will do whatever it wants and we are only players in it's game.
When I was younger, my dad always said, "Learn how to play the game." Ele tinha razão.
23 February 2009
Hues of Grays
Just some free writing. In its roughest draft.
Life is hard. Life includes pain. He who runs from it or shuns it is weak. Pain, discomfort, loneliness, to feel without, those are emotions equal to any other. They are meant to be experienced. They live, they will breathe and they will die, and other emotions will be born and will have a life span of their own. The sweetness of life does not lie merely in the laughter, the smiles, the sunsets, the scent of flowers, the touch of a lover. The sweetness is a recipe of dark shades of gray, brilliant hues of yellows and reds, pin pricks of pain, stomachs of butterflies. To enjoy, to appreciate, to be humbled with gratitude we must experience the spectrum of experience and emotion.
Strength. Is to overcome. Strength is to repent. Strength is to humble oneself and weep before your maker. Strength is to give all of oneself until there is nothing left remaining to give. Strength is to be true. Strength is to walk blindly but accompanied by faith.
The melody of my life will be what I choose it to be. Rich in sound created by service, love, dedication, and resilience. My song will be a strong song. It will be the most beautiful song, a song that will resonate through the eternities...
06 February 2009
Mean Girls
What a fabulous end to a crummy day! My face hurts from smiling so much. I couldn't have asked for more. Heavenly Father surely wants His children to be happy and has handfuls and handfuls of sweet blessings to bestow upon us when we do not seek to avoid our trials, but rather instead seek joy despite them. Britt, if you read this, you are the reason for my smile.
Reverting to the events that transpired earlier in the day...
Today I was again surprised, like I am always surprised when I observe how I react to being treated poorly by those that I care about. I was never a part of the mean girls (I assume that you will know what I'm talking about thanks to the recent film, Mean Girls). Through the years, I have associated with them, sometimes was even close enough to be considered a friend of mean girls and reciprocated their friendship. I don't comprehend their meanness. I don't comprehend the desire to exclude and excel above others. I don't understand ridicule and how it is fulfilling. When it all gets down to it, I don't care if the Mean Girls want to create a barrier between themselves and me. There are two principles that contradict each other. I love unity. I seek it. I live for it. I am passionate about it. But on the other hand, there should be a division between the Mean Girls and I shouldn't there? It seems so. But then, what about unity and loving and erasing the lines that divide us? That is ultimately what I long for?? Superficially, I do care, and it does hurt to be treated that way. And I wonder, why does it affect me so?
We are warned that as time progresses the opposition to The Church and its members will increase acutely. So, I should not be surprised when I am who the opposition is against. I am aware of this. But... the question is, why does it hurt? And why do I permit it to affect me? My knowledge teaches me that I should be prepared for it, expect it, and gird my loins for when it happens.
But the condition of the human soul? My personality thrives on human interaction. There are others who do not thrive as heartily on human interaction. Regardless, all of us need it in some form or another. Man was not created to be alone. The Plan of Salvation was created for the purpose of allowing God's children (presently humans) to be bound and linked together throughout all eternity! CRAZY!!! The depth of our inherent need and fulfillment of being linked is far beyond my capacity to comprehend!!! But I know that I love my neighbor (for the most part) and I want to be close to them. I know that my soul does not react well when I see disharmony and dividing agents among us.
Yes, it exists in me sometimes and I am guilty of those same harmful poisons. I wish I were rid of them. I think for this reason, I welcome constructive criticisms. I am aware of my ignorance and my frequently blind eyes. My desires are good but I am weak, proud, and human. Sometimes I am the antagonist that I so adamantly fight against. And in turn, I harm another's soul. What damage we do to one another on this earth. Trying to mold, shape, carve, twist people into being what we think they should be. We ourselves are already flawed and imperfect. How do we pretend to create a better version of what they naturally are, than what God, a perfect creator has allowed them to be? I am afraid that the person standing on the soap box is deaf to her own words all too often.
Which, brings us to REPENTANCE & FORGIVENESS. Two things we are in constant quest of. I must forgive those Mean Girls. I must repent when my actions are maybe not as juvenile but very wrong nonetheless. Only then can I hope to receive forgiveness from those that I offend. Without forgiveness there could not exist unity. Hmmm... I retract my earlier statement. There should be no division between the Mean Girls and myself. I am a hypocrite in various ways which requires repentance. I am pleased with the destination of my thoughts. Sweet. Now I can go to bed.
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