Simple Thursdays

One of the few places that I consistently feel at peace and tranquil is in front of a computer typing away and spelling out my thoughts and emotions.  I'm deeply grateful for the refuge I've found in writing.  I think it takes a specific and patient soul to wade through and appreciate my overly emotional, idealistic, and lengthy writings.  If I can communicate through writing I consider myself lucky.  It is unobtrusive and I appreciate the chance to communicate in such a way.

Although as of late, I find that my thoughts will not lay still long enough to be captured in writing - this is a great frustration for me because I am unable to receive the therapeutic benefits that come from having expounded well the workings of my inner self.  When I am able to draw those thoughts from my mind and spill them onto paper (or screen), the effects make me feel as if I have just been given a calming serum intravenously.

A simple but unexpected explanation to my frustrated writing habits is that I have no audience.  I am a communicator by nature and happily guilty of being labeled as a blue in Dr. Taylor Hartman's Color Code which means I long for meaningful relationships and I thrive on human interaction.  But as I write or as I have attempted to write on my blog in the last months, I find that my mind refuses to relinquish in any coherent form the workings of my heart and mind.  Which makes me wonder... why am I mute when there is no audience?  What does an audience import?  What validation do I seek?  Why do I need a receiver to reveal my best self to?  Can I not just emulate what I am or who I am regardless?  Can I not share my talents and gifts with the world without having an obvious specific receiver?  I should be able to I know.  

As of late I have not made myself readily available to bear the burdens of those around me.  I am willing and desire to do so but as observers have noted, it has been difficult to form any connection or bond with me.  I have not done sufficient introspection to know the reasons for my hard and unapproachable demeanor as perceived by those individuals who are new to my acquaintance.  I suppose it is relevant to me not receiving a reaction/response/validation from the specific audience that I seek...

... and thats as far as my mind permits me to travel this evening.  My thoughts have just escaped me.

****** the below is what I had originally written but before publishing the post, I returned to what was previously only a preface and made a somewhat successful effort to expound upon the thoughts I was having.  *******

I've learned and experienced a great deal of goodness today.  Simple things and simple pleasures.  Instrumental piano music by Ludovico Einaudi while driving up Big Cottonwood Canyon alone with the crisp smell of the running river by the side of the road, feeling enlightened and strengthened through the Holy Spirit of the Lord as I sat through my first of the semester's institute classes.  I got to make pinwheels for centerpieces at work and even a few extra for my new boss's children (he seemed to enjoy the pinwheels as much as I did).  At the end of the day, I was even lucky to watch a film about a mom who is a breast-cancer patient and going through chemo.  I sat with a friend and shared our first one-on-one conversation sharing personal stories and experiences.  I saw an old friend and was lucky to be on the receiving end of a favor being given.  I remembered and missed someone who I have great love for and even wondered - "What do I do with this love in my heart for one who is no longer with me?"  My answer was to give that same love to someone new and risk new experiences and risk creating trust and dedicating service to a new benefactor.  

Today is a Thursday and I am not surprised at all that it has been such a lovely and full day.  Thursdays, second to Sundays, have long been one of my favorite days of the week.  

Par 3

I never would have thought an evening at the driving range would have such great affects. As I received coaching from a trusted friend, I focused every part of myself on the few instructions I was being given, maintaining a good "athletic stance," an appropriate distance from the end of the club and myself, keeping my left arm straight and my right arm as close to my body as possible, etc. I heard that in order to have a perfect golf swing, there have got to be 225 things that go right. Amusing to think how few of those 225 things I was focusing on.

That evening I felt a tremendous peace. Maybe the fact that I was enjoying the companionship of a cherished friend and enjoying the comfort that comes from 4 years of friendship, and oddly even the walking boot I wore on my left foot was a natural part of me that night as I was in the company of my friend instead of being a foreign object and cumbersome, but there was more to my peace than just that.

Despite the smile I wear externally and visibly, my gregariousness, and the straight forward and confident approach, my mind is typically overwhelmed with activity. For the most part, I am able to organize the twister of thoughts, but occasionally, and as of late frequently, I feel like I am running after a run-away carriage - too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many tasks, too many stresses, too many pressures, too many expectations, too many worries, and too many dreams and aspirations to maintain control of. Sometimes I feel like they are leading me instead of me leading them.

But, that warm evening at the driving range - focusing and discarding the unnecessary thoughts in my mind I was led to a great peace. My mind was calm. For a few moments, I felt centered. My friend is amused with my new love for golf and my reasoning behind it. But, nonetheless, I think he is happy to have found a new golfing partner.

Since that night when I felt a great calm, I have been motivated to continue to maintain that peace and tranquility. Being inspired once again to concentrate on the essentials and basic principles of life - compassion, kindness, understanding, living without fear, simplicity, spirituality, and balance.

Again, I am drawn back to study the teachings of Buddha and meditation. There are great things I want to accomplish in this life and I must learn organization to my thoughts and eliminate the unnecessary and imprudent burdens.

To be continued...

A Lesson in Discipleship

Its been so long since I've felt a desire to write. However tonight, I am overwhelmed with emotions and don't seem to know what to do with them all. Emotions of love, of gratitude, of convictions. Its been an Easter quite different than any I would have imagined or that I imagine having in the future. But dispite the myriad of activities that did not seem fitting of what an Easter should be, the opportunity to celebrate the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus Christ still found way to reveal itself.

I'm listening to the hymn Amazing Grace one of the most touching hymns regarding the miracle of a blind man finding Jesus Christ and being blessed by the effects of the Atonement. My heart grows tender just listening and remembering my dear sweet Savior.

For some unknown reason today my mind recollected some experiences from my mission. President Arnold, our area authority was speaking at a Zone Conference and was encouraging us to improve the number of street contacts we made each day. How as representatives of Jesus Christ we should feel an urgency to share the message with everyone around us, no matter what. The amount of street contacts being made in the mission by the missionaries at that time was very low. The reason for the low stats was most likely the fear of rejection. President Arnold continued to bear his testimony about being a representative of Christ and the responsibility to carry His message to every ear that could hear the message. Inevitably we would be rejected by some who did not want to hear. Inevitably some would mock, lie, be cruel to, or ridicule us as we tried to proclaim the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. The small amount of rejection that we were asked to face compared to the ridicule and rejection that Christ faced and the price He paid in our behalves are far from being similiar. The message that President Arnold wanted to instill in us was that we should be proud to be rejected for Jesus Christ. Whatever the cost to spread the message of Jesus Christ and be representatives of Him, we should be honored to pay.

I don't have the words to explain what that means adequately except that I know when I faced rejection after that, it did not hurt. I was being rejected for the cause of Jesus Christ. In the like matter that a soldier fights for his country and is willing to lay down even his life. It seems frivolous to think that someone might shrink from the opportunity to represent Jesus Christ if it meant only that that person would face a small amount of rejection. But sometimes in the rush of life, our forgetfulness, and our ego-centric habits, we shrink from the call to stand as witnesses of Christ at all times, in all things, and in all places.

Today served as a reminder to me to stand as a witness of Christ at all times, in all things and in all places. It is the very least that I can do to show my gratitude for what has been given to me by my Savior. I would be proud to be rejected for my Savior. Again, words do not suffice, nor do I want to extract those sacred feelings that live within my soul that reflect the love and gratitude that I have for my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ.

Meu Salvador

Now there is something to be said about the Savior. I wish that this blog posting could be written in music and song rather than just words because songs capture so much more fully the depth of feeling and communicates not only what the composer thinks and feels but is a reflection to the listener of the sacred things that lie in their own heart. A song can be communion between composer and listener without the two ever having to meet.

But as I am mortal and already used to the strings that bind and limitations that prohibit me from living all the desires of my heart, I will settle with just words.

First, as a disclaimer. Words can be eloquent, persuasive, meaningful, and even have the power to penetrate the softest tissues of our hearts, but in the end, words are only words. A combination of symbols in print that reflect an idea, thought, etc. Although I write today in words, they are only symbols on a paper, nothing of extraordinary worth.

What is of worth is how I live. How I support my words with my actions. What I am found doing and thinking in the solitude when I am alone. How I extend myself to others when I am not in peaceful solitude. How I love. How I live my testimony and gratitude rather than just write and dream about it.

So, my true testimony and my true identity lie in my works.

My Savior Jesus Christ. Based from what I do know of Him, I believe that I love him. Although as imperfect demonstration of my life that I offer, I believe still, that I love him.

The comprehensive meaning of the sacrifice that He performed is beyond me and I expect that it will be through the duration of my mortal life.

His love is almost impossibly sweet and pure. The kindness that is reflected in His eyes in even a painting connects me with this Heavenly Being. Heavenly and Earthly. He knows no heavenly limitations yet is familiar with every earthly limitation. He has mastered the skills necessary to live a perfect life. Mastered them perfectly the first time and every time.

He knew the balance between keeping himself clean from the impurities of the world, yet not shunning away from the people who were buried deep in those impurities. I strive to understand how I too can learn that balance. And when I err, He is there to reassure me that my errors and the cost for them has already been paid. I don't understand His grace and how it is extended to me infinitely.

He is wise enough and kind enough to allow me to experience great pain in the moment because it is a lesser amount of pain than what I would experience in the future than if He were to spare me from that present pain, or enduring that seemingly so tragic disappointment that I face today.

Although my works are a reflection of who I am, He is compassionate enough not to judge me until the end of my days. Not what I am currently. He can see me for what I was yesterday, who I am today, and who I will be many tomorrows from now.

He is patient enough to walk beside and not scold me when I fall into the same old habits and forget the new lessons that I have already been taught countless times. He allows me to repent endlessly. He allows me to repent even when I take for granted His Atonement which is precious above all. He allows me to repent when I am blind and am an ungrateful servant and would seek to keep others from receiving those same blessings that I have already received and proudly assume that I will continue to receive.

He sacrificed everything. For every mistake that I have made, every sin of omission and commission that I have been too carnal, too lazy, too proud, too apathetic, and too ignorant that were all manifestations of my unwillingness to sacrifice myself the same way that He was.

He blesses me with the goodness of those around me -strangers, acquaintances, associates, friends, ward family and my own family members. Their warmness, uplifting words, counsels, concern, laughter, and time spent with me sharing their talents are all tender mercies of the Lord.


To be continued. I will write my conclusion another night. I'm drained of energy.

Sunday Cookies & Company

Sweet, sweet Sunday. Oh how I love the close of Sundays. Sunday has long been my favorite day of the week. Singing, worship, instruction, recommitment, testimony, prayer, reflection, friends, and good food-it seems a perfect combination.

Most Sundays I feel that the previous week has come to an appropriate and timely close and I am well ready to start a new week. This Sunday I wish the new week were not starting already. This previous week has ended ambiguosly. There has been a great close but at the same time, this same closing is not a closing at all. This closing has led me to a wide open horizon. How many times have I faced this same blank horizon? Too many to count. Typically, facing the horizon and imagining the possibilities I would be energized and ecstatic. This time, I face it with happiness and an open mind, but all the while, still with a knawing stomach ache.

At the end of such a wonderfully simple and enjoyable day it seems absurd that it should also be accompanied by a profound stomach ache.

The road is long and I am tired.

I should be grateful to be tired. All of the greats must have lived with constant exhaustion. I should be grateful the road is long. How many more lessons does the road afford me because it is long?

The Lord is good to me and provides me with answers. Answers do not always mean understanding. But by default, the answers help me compartmentalize some of the useless information circulating in my head. The answers teach me what is relevant and what is not.

On Saturday night, another almost perfect day, I found myself longing to be back in the temple of the Lord once more. Circumstances only permitted me to walk about the temple grounds for a few short minutes and bask in the tranquility that exists even outside of the walls. The warm light visible through the windows glowed into the night dark. How badly I wanted to be inside where that light came from, how badly I wanted the same peace that filled my soul just one night before. Oh yes, the peace is still within my heart and even my mind, but more by memory than by way of feeling. I know the Lord expects me to remember my thoughts and feelings from that night. I know that I will need to lean upon them because the road is still long.

But, it is not a road that I am unfamiliar with walking. I walk each step with greater experience than I had before. I am an opportunist and have therefore looked for opportunities of growth and development along the way. I have made myself available to the experiences that transform a person. They have enabled me to walk tall and confidently. I may not know what the road in front of me looks like, but I know for the most part which tools I need to be successful. I am the woman I am presently because my hands are well familiar with those tools. I know them. I practice using them. I am blessed with having a good understanding and working knowledge of them. I am able to live well because of my experiences, knowledge and application of it.

The Lord has blessed me abundantly and has extended to me an even greater amount of grace and mery, as He does with all. However, it is our choices of what we will do with the opportunities of growth and development that will dictate how permanent those blessings remain and are perpetuated.

Now as I continue on my path.... what other skills and tricks of the trade will I learn? haha

Surely, life is both a tragedy and a comedy, but I pity the man who can only see it as a tragedy.

Computer Error

Writing has become a vice. Somehow it has turned into an addiction that I am starting to feel prisoner to. I love writing. Its like a drug. When I write, and my thoughts, emotions, ideas, feelings, etc are expressed I feel a relief and satisfaction in having taken what is unorganized internally and organizing it externally.

I feel an information overload. In my desire to write, my naturally existing desire to observe has been magnified. My mind is constantly observing, thinking, and trying to process all the information that I take in. There are too many theories, philosophies, ideas, facts, laws, and opinions that contradict one another. Without organization in my mind, or without an appropriate compartment to store and file all the information that my mind is taking in, the information cycles around and around without a resting place. All the while, I'm trying to make sense of it all and formulate a correct equation. But I don't know which tidbits of information should be the factors and which tidbits are the sums of the various factors and which do not even belong the the equation.

I'm an idealist. I have a certain perception of the world that is quite and unbelievably flawed. Some would say it is one of my great strengths. I, who live with an incorrect and skewed vision of the world, wish I could perceive things less ideally and closer to reality.

Sometimes I am afraid that if I were to see the world for what it really is, it might break my spirit. The realists might call me naive for my perspective of the world. I disagree. I know that my perception of the world is heavily marked by hope and optimism, which should not be confused for ignorance.

I know that my optimism affects a good number of people in a positive way. They tell me they are grateful for it and that it is a great strength to them. For this reason, I am grateful for my optimism.

How does my optimism and idealism affect me? It makes me resilient -one of my defining characteristics. No matter how dark the day, my spirit seems to pierce through the darkness (sometimes the gloom being a product of my own actions/words/thoughts). How does my optimism affect me for the negative? Tonight I am more aware of the negative effects. My optimism hurts me. It brings pain to my little heart that is immensely feeling. I take risks, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I believe that love makes a difference -no matter in what form it is given, I sacrifice myself for the sake of the cause.

But in the end, I know my perception of the world is flawed. My personal philosophy of the best way to live brings great disappointment and heartache.

But even my philosphy of how life should be lived is resilient. Dispite the pain, dispite the proof that I will be disappointed continually, I cannot shake myself of the hope I have in people. I cannot convince myself that I will always be disappointed. What a silly farce. I know I will be disappointed for given reasons always thoughout periods of my life and until the end of my life. But what I know, what I hope for, and what I believe do not always match. They should match. There would be less turmoil in my mind if they were all congruent with eachother.

Sometimes, I get tired of hurting. Sometimes I get tired of observing the actions of others and feeling the effects on my heart as sometimes the effects are so painfully cruel.

When we are little, and people tell us that life is hard, I think we have no idea what they are talking about. Only as I get older, and see life continually getting harder do I start to imagine the depth of the phrase, "life is hard." It would be more appropriate to say, "life kicks the living crap out of you." The purpose of getting the crap kicked out of us is to see what we are made of. If at the end of our lives, there is something left of us that is good, then I suppose we will merit a reward.

At this very moment, all I can do is try to cope. There is a fine line that separates those who are mentally, emotionally, & socially well from those who have lost it. All I try to do is walk the line, continuing in my duties, my responsibilities, applying my knowledge so that I can live wisely, and trying to find a balance between my philosophy of life and loving as much as I can and the reality of a uncaring world.

I pray that there is someone taking care of me from up above because I do not know how to do what I do any differently than how I do it. I pray that the stretching of my soul will lead to a beautiful and stronger product.

The Visionary, The Champion, The Inspirer

Charles Dickens, Joan Baez, Dave Matthews, John Lennon, Jewel, Eleanor Roosevelt & Bill Cosby - just a few of us who belong to the club ENFP. 2-3% of the world's population is represented by us and others like us. I am proud to be among them. We are called ENFP, short for Extraverted Intuitive Feeling & Perceptive.

When I first heard about personality profiles, I was was a skeptic and was sure that they were only taken seriously by quacks and weirdos. haha And then... years later, I was forced to participate in one... and it was surprisingly accurate. The more I learned, the more I marveled. Truly, as I love people, it continues to be a fascination still. Through the years, there have been few things that have managed to maintain both my fascination and attention.

Even for someone who resists being labeled as much as I do, I have to surrender and submit to the legitimacy of being labeled an ENFP by the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Definitely uncanny how I am described on paper almost perfectly by someone who is far displaced from me.

Some links I discovered. The first being the best.

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm

http://similarminds.com/jung/enfp.html

http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html


Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow

Living

ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.

Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.

Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.

Learning

ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.

ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.

ENFPs like travel and reading because these activities open experiences of other times and places. Their reading often brings quiet and reflection time, as well as new material for their dreams. Their travels afford them opportunities to experience different people and cultures.


Working

The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.

Leading

ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.

Of course, these are only exerpts. But even in their incompleteness, they are still accurate. Worth investigating your own type.