aka Samantha Falcon

Don't ask me why I love that alias as much as I do.  Perhaps it is because it was created at a time in my life when I was pushing the limits, living on the "edge," and sneaking around.  haha  If my friends only knew what I considered the edge to be, they would laugh.  But, they of course already know that I am no James Dean, I am no true rebel.

Before I meander down a path that I had not intended on.  I will say that tonight I am doing some experimental writing.  Interested in knowing where my thoughts take me and what they reveal about me and how I have changed in this period of life.

I want to write about me.  About what I like, about what I want.

Mostly, I want to be happy.  Deep down inside I want to be loved, but I don't mind so much not having that kind of love that everyone dreams about just as long as I am able to love others.  We are masters of our own selves and we must allow others to be masters of their own selves as well.  There is no tragedy in that.  It is a privilege to love, to have people to love, and to feel the joy that comes from loving.  So long as I have people to love, I will find a way to be happy.  

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a very good friend a short time ago.  We were hiking in the mountains, autumn leaves, frost on the ground, crisp air in our lungs, everything that makes me love the fall season.  We were speaking of relationships and the necessity to accept yourself as an individual without having to be in a relationship and accepted by a significant other.  

Another conversation I had recently was with my uncle.  We were speaking about dependence and independence in relationships.  It seems today that far too many couples or hopeful couples try to remain independent without truly ever relying on the other.  A successful union requires that each contributor depend upon the other.  

To contrast, my aunt and uncle also talked to me about my uncle's struggle when my aunt decided to go back to school and contribute her own portion to the families income.  My uncle said, it was difficult for him to share that responsibility with his wife, when for so long, it was him who was the provider.  There is a fine balance between allowing someone to fly and maintaining a dependancy upon the other.  

We have to know what we want.  We need to know who we are.  We must be able to accept ourselves as individuals before we can successfully merge with another unique individual.  I think that perhaps people who marry at a young age have an advantage.  They have had less time to live independently and so therefore the merging of two individual lives is somewhat easier and without resistance.  The advantage of marrying at an older age is that one has had time to discover one's self and to know yourself as an individual more intimately than perhaps the younger folks do.  I myself, am glad for the time of preparation that I have been given.  I do not wish to rush in the hopes of accomplishing something sooner rather than later.  I am content with the detours that teach me valuable lessons.  

I would be happy to report to my friend that I walked with in the fall of my progress.  Surely, he would not be surprised.  He has seen firsthand the change that has transpired in my life and in my countenance.  

So in the end, I am happy loving.  I am grateful for my quirks that define me in a variety of ways.  I am happy to be an adult, qualified to make decisions with the help of my Heavenly Father, and continue on steadily and faithfully.  

My life is not as adventuresome as it has been in times past, nor deserves any second alias.  My temperament is certainly more constant.  These last months have been an intense time for character development, refinement, learning, and instruction.  But I am not bored... not as of yet.