My mother is dying. She refuses to visit the doctors because she is afraid of what they will tell her. I don't know if ignorance is bliss. She is not ignorant. I think she knows deep down that this time is different. This time the cancer is different. It is the first time that I have seen my mom afraid. She tries to hide it. To protect us from the hurt. But it will come. When it does come, it will come with no announcement. And after it has come, we will look back and wonder in what ways it could have been different had we had a sure knowledge. In which ways would we have lived differently.
Because my mom avoids confronting the realities of her cancer, we too are permitted to avoid confronting them. Only postponing the inevitable.
I often try to imagine the reality of losing my mom prematurely. I guess the word prematurely is all relative. Maybe I should say, losing her earlier than expected rather than prematurely. But, I cannot know how I will feel. How my dad will feel, my brothers, my sisters.
Death. It affects us all differently.
If there is one surety, it is that life goes on. Life does not wait. It rolls on. Death may take our loved ones from us. Our loved ones may simply change and voluntarily walk out the exit door of our lives. Where are we left? The same place as we were before they disappeared from our realm of experience. We are left with the same responsibilities to fulfill. In effect of our loss, our feelings may be deeper and more intense than anything we've ever known. Our feelings may paralyze us and leave us numb. But all the while, life rolls on. I imagine it much like a large boulder, slowly with little sound rolling forward, on whatever path it will.
When we want life to remain the same, it changes. When we want life to change, it remains the same. So it goes with people too.
There are an endless number of changes happening continually that we are so much helpless to control. Our challenge, our test is what we do with ourselves. How we react. How we govern ourselves. We are agents that have the power to act and not to be acted upon.
We can stop and lie wounded as victims on the wayside, allowing fear, anger, resentment, falsehoods, etc. to settle into our hearts. Or we can accept the challenge with an awareness of what our true task is.
Death will take my mother earlier than I can prepare myself for. On Tuesday of this week, my close friend lost her father to cancer. She immediately flew to Mexico to be with her family. It is hard for me to comprehend that I will someday soon be wearing a pair of shoes that are very much like the ones she now wears.
Everyday at work I see the distressed spouses of cancer patients. It is very sobering. However, it is also a great beauty to see them support their spouse through sickness, giving everything and not even knowing or being reassured that there fight and their efforts will be of any saving effect. I see the fear in their eyes as sometimes their spouses sit on a very fine line between life and death. They do all they can to maintain themselves, to maintain their strength, composure, and their courage. The look in their eye and the quiver in their voice as they sometimes talk effects me the very most.
I know that sometimes that same quiver is in my voice when I speak. For now, they are fears and emotions that I keep reserved internally. I expect that one day they will escape in all their fury and glory. We will see what life is like then. How it changes for my family. How it will change for each sibling and how it will be changed for my father. How will we handle the most significant person in our lives leaving from our realms of experience?
No matter how great the loss. No matter how true and deep our love be for a person. If they leave voluntarily. If they leave involuntarily. We must continue on. Knowing that in our life will be placed other people to love. Maybe we doubt that we will not love them as much as we loved the persons prior. Or that the love of the persons in the future will be as sweet as those that came before. Maybe that will be true. But we take our lot and we make the most of it.
Life will not wait until we are ready for it to take my mother from this earth. It will happen, we will be unprepared, unready, unhappy, but it will happen. Life will still expect that we fulfill it's demands. It will not stop and wait for us to recover before it asks us to continue walking our paths. It will not ask us if we agree, or if we accept. It is aloof from our cares. It will do whatever it wants and we are only players in it's game.
When I was younger, my dad always said, "Learn how to play the game." Ele tinha razão.
1 comment:
Sobering post, no doubt. Albeit well written and with great thoughts. I don't have any conclusions or thoughts of my own, because you left nothing open ended. You summed it all up very well, and have closed it up profoundly.
The only thing that I have to add is that life continues even after death. Sure, it continues for all of us remaining on the earth, but I'm referring to the life of the individual who has passed. We all know this, we all believe this. I guess it's an entirely different thing to be put in the situation where that is all you have to rely on. Tough circumstance to be sure.
But we all will be okay. Everything will work out. We will all return again to face our maker. We will live again into the eternities with our families and friends. That is a great consolation, and is true and powerful enough to strengthen any wounded soul. Be not afraid, but believe.
I enjoyed this comment from you. "When we want life to remain the same, it changes. When we want life to change, it remains the same. So it goes with people too."
I'm learning from these Buddhist's teachings that we should accept anything that comes our way. I guess that doesn't mean we can't want certain things, but it means that we should be okay with whatever happens, and find peace in everything that happens.
Such is our daily challenge.
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