Sweet, sweet Sunday. Oh how I love the close of Sundays. Sunday has long been my favorite day of the week. Singing, worship, instruction, recommitment, testimony, prayer, reflection, friends, and good food-it seems a perfect combination.
Most Sundays I feel that the previous week has come to an appropriate and timely close and I am well ready to start a new week. This Sunday I wish the new week were not starting already. This previous week has ended ambiguosly. There has been a great close but at the same time, this same closing is not a closing at all. This closing has led me to a wide open horizon. How many times have I faced this same blank horizon? Too many to count. Typically, facing the horizon and imagining the possibilities I would be energized and ecstatic. This time, I face it with happiness and an open mind, but all the while, still with a knawing stomach ache.
At the end of such a wonderfully simple and enjoyable day it seems absurd that it should also be accompanied by a profound stomach ache.
The road is long and I am tired.
I should be grateful to be tired. All of the greats must have lived with constant exhaustion. I should be grateful the road is long. How many more lessons does the road afford me because it is long?
The Lord is good to me and provides me with answers. Answers do not always mean understanding. But by default, the answers help me compartmentalize some of the useless information circulating in my head. The answers teach me what is relevant and what is not.
On Saturday night, another almost perfect day, I found myself longing to be back in the temple of the Lord once more. Circumstances only permitted me to walk about the temple grounds for a few short minutes and bask in the tranquility that exists even outside of the walls. The warm light visible through the windows glowed into the night dark. How badly I wanted to be inside where that light came from, how badly I wanted the same peace that filled my soul just one night before. Oh yes, the peace is still within my heart and even my mind, but more by memory than by way of feeling. I know the Lord expects me to remember my thoughts and feelings from that night. I know that I will need to lean upon them because the road is still long.
But, it is not a road that I am unfamiliar with walking. I walk each step with greater experience than I had before. I am an opportunist and have therefore looked for opportunities of growth and development along the way. I have made myself available to the experiences that transform a person. They have enabled me to walk tall and confidently. I may not know what the road in front of me looks like, but I know for the most part which tools I need to be successful. I am the woman I am presently because my hands are well familiar with those tools. I know them. I practice using them. I am blessed with having a good understanding and working knowledge of them. I am able to live well because of my experiences, knowledge and application of it.
The Lord has blessed me abundantly and has extended to me an even greater amount of grace and mery, as He does with all. However, it is our choices of what we will do with the opportunities of growth and development that will dictate how permanent those blessings remain and are perpetuated.
Now as I continue on my path.... what other skills and tricks of the trade will I learn? haha
Surely, life is both a tragedy and a comedy, but I pity the man who can only see it as a tragedy.
22 March 2009
18 March 2009
Computer Error
Writing has become a vice. Somehow it has turned into an addiction that I am starting to feel prisoner to. I love writing. Its like a drug. When I write, and my thoughts, emotions, ideas, feelings, etc are expressed I feel a relief and satisfaction in having taken what is unorganized internally and organizing it externally.
I feel an information overload. In my desire to write, my naturally existing desire to observe has been magnified. My mind is constantly observing, thinking, and trying to process all the information that I take in. There are too many theories, philosophies, ideas, facts, laws, and opinions that contradict one another. Without organization in my mind, or without an appropriate compartment to store and file all the information that my mind is taking in, the information cycles around and around without a resting place. All the while, I'm trying to make sense of it all and formulate a correct equation. But I don't know which tidbits of information should be the factors and which tidbits are the sums of the various factors and which do not even belong the the equation.
I'm an idealist. I have a certain perception of the world that is quite and unbelievably flawed. Some would say it is one of my great strengths. I, who live with an incorrect and skewed vision of the world, wish I could perceive things less ideally and closer to reality.
Sometimes I am afraid that if I were to see the world for what it really is, it might break my spirit. The realists might call me naive for my perspective of the world. I disagree. I know that my perception of the world is heavily marked by hope and optimism, which should not be confused for ignorance.
I know that my optimism affects a good number of people in a positive way. They tell me they are grateful for it and that it is a great strength to them. For this reason, I am grateful for my optimism.
How does my optimism and idealism affect me? It makes me resilient -one of my defining characteristics. No matter how dark the day, my spirit seems to pierce through the darkness (sometimes the gloom being a product of my own actions/words/thoughts). How does my optimism affect me for the negative? Tonight I am more aware of the negative effects. My optimism hurts me. It brings pain to my little heart that is immensely feeling. I take risks, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I believe that love makes a difference -no matter in what form it is given, I sacrifice myself for the sake of the cause.
But in the end, I know my perception of the world is flawed. My personal philosophy of the best way to live brings great disappointment and heartache.
But even my philosphy of how life should be lived is resilient. Dispite the pain, dispite the proof that I will be disappointed continually, I cannot shake myself of the hope I have in people. I cannot convince myself that I will always be disappointed. What a silly farce. I know I will be disappointed for given reasons always thoughout periods of my life and until the end of my life. But what I know, what I hope for, and what I believe do not always match. They should match. There would be less turmoil in my mind if they were all congruent with eachother.
Sometimes, I get tired of hurting. Sometimes I get tired of observing the actions of others and feeling the effects on my heart as sometimes the effects are so painfully cruel.
When we are little, and people tell us that life is hard, I think we have no idea what they are talking about. Only as I get older, and see life continually getting harder do I start to imagine the depth of the phrase, "life is hard." It would be more appropriate to say, "life kicks the living crap out of you." The purpose of getting the crap kicked out of us is to see what we are made of. If at the end of our lives, there is something left of us that is good, then I suppose we will merit a reward.
At this very moment, all I can do is try to cope. There is a fine line that separates those who are mentally, emotionally, & socially well from those who have lost it. All I try to do is walk the line, continuing in my duties, my responsibilities, applying my knowledge so that I can live wisely, and trying to find a balance between my philosophy of life and loving as much as I can and the reality of a uncaring world.
I pray that there is someone taking care of me from up above because I do not know how to do what I do any differently than how I do it. I pray that the stretching of my soul will lead to a beautiful and stronger product.
I feel an information overload. In my desire to write, my naturally existing desire to observe has been magnified. My mind is constantly observing, thinking, and trying to process all the information that I take in. There are too many theories, philosophies, ideas, facts, laws, and opinions that contradict one another. Without organization in my mind, or without an appropriate compartment to store and file all the information that my mind is taking in, the information cycles around and around without a resting place. All the while, I'm trying to make sense of it all and formulate a correct equation. But I don't know which tidbits of information should be the factors and which tidbits are the sums of the various factors and which do not even belong the the equation.
I'm an idealist. I have a certain perception of the world that is quite and unbelievably flawed. Some would say it is one of my great strengths. I, who live with an incorrect and skewed vision of the world, wish I could perceive things less ideally and closer to reality.
Sometimes I am afraid that if I were to see the world for what it really is, it might break my spirit. The realists might call me naive for my perspective of the world. I disagree. I know that my perception of the world is heavily marked by hope and optimism, which should not be confused for ignorance.
I know that my optimism affects a good number of people in a positive way. They tell me they are grateful for it and that it is a great strength to them. For this reason, I am grateful for my optimism.
How does my optimism and idealism affect me? It makes me resilient -one of my defining characteristics. No matter how dark the day, my spirit seems to pierce through the darkness (sometimes the gloom being a product of my own actions/words/thoughts). How does my optimism affect me for the negative? Tonight I am more aware of the negative effects. My optimism hurts me. It brings pain to my little heart that is immensely feeling. I take risks, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I believe that love makes a difference -no matter in what form it is given, I sacrifice myself for the sake of the cause.
But in the end, I know my perception of the world is flawed. My personal philosophy of the best way to live brings great disappointment and heartache.
But even my philosphy of how life should be lived is resilient. Dispite the pain, dispite the proof that I will be disappointed continually, I cannot shake myself of the hope I have in people. I cannot convince myself that I will always be disappointed. What a silly farce. I know I will be disappointed for given reasons always thoughout periods of my life and until the end of my life. But what I know, what I hope for, and what I believe do not always match. They should match. There would be less turmoil in my mind if they were all congruent with eachother.
Sometimes, I get tired of hurting. Sometimes I get tired of observing the actions of others and feeling the effects on my heart as sometimes the effects are so painfully cruel.
When we are little, and people tell us that life is hard, I think we have no idea what they are talking about. Only as I get older, and see life continually getting harder do I start to imagine the depth of the phrase, "life is hard." It would be more appropriate to say, "life kicks the living crap out of you." The purpose of getting the crap kicked out of us is to see what we are made of. If at the end of our lives, there is something left of us that is good, then I suppose we will merit a reward.
At this very moment, all I can do is try to cope. There is a fine line that separates those who are mentally, emotionally, & socially well from those who have lost it. All I try to do is walk the line, continuing in my duties, my responsibilities, applying my knowledge so that I can live wisely, and trying to find a balance between my philosophy of life and loving as much as I can and the reality of a uncaring world.
I pray that there is someone taking care of me from up above because I do not know how to do what I do any differently than how I do it. I pray that the stretching of my soul will lead to a beautiful and stronger product.
07 March 2009
The Visionary, The Champion, The Inspirer
Charles Dickens, Joan Baez, Dave Matthews, John Lennon, Jewel, Eleanor Roosevelt & Bill Cosby - just a few of us who belong to the club ENFP. 2-3% of the world's population is represented by us and others like us. I am proud to be among them. We are called ENFP, short for Extraverted Intuitive Feeling & Perceptive.
When I first heard about personality profiles, I was was a skeptic and was sure that they were only taken seriously by quacks and weirdos. haha And then... years later, I was forced to participate in one... and it was surprisingly accurate. The more I learned, the more I marveled. Truly, as I love people, it continues to be a fascination still. Through the years, there have been few things that have managed to maintain both my fascination and attention.
Even for someone who resists being labeled as much as I do, I have to surrender and submit to the legitimacy of being labeled an ENFP by the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Definitely uncanny how I am described on paper almost perfectly by someone who is far displaced from me.
Some links I discovered. The first being the best.
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm
http://similarminds.com/jung/enfp.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow
Living
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
ENFPs like travel and reading because these activities open experiences of other times and places. Their reading often brings quiet and reflection time, as well as new material for their dreams. Their travels afford them opportunities to experience different people and cultures.
Working
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Leading
ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.
Of course, these are only exerpts. But even in their incompleteness, they are still accurate. Worth investigating your own type.
When I first heard about personality profiles, I was was a skeptic and was sure that they were only taken seriously by quacks and weirdos. haha And then... years later, I was forced to participate in one... and it was surprisingly accurate. The more I learned, the more I marveled. Truly, as I love people, it continues to be a fascination still. Through the years, there have been few things that have managed to maintain both my fascination and attention.
Even for someone who resists being labeled as much as I do, I have to surrender and submit to the legitimacy of being labeled an ENFP by the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Definitely uncanny how I am described on paper almost perfectly by someone who is far displaced from me.
Some links I discovered. The first being the best.
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm
http://similarminds.com/jung/enfp.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow
Living
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
ENFPs like travel and reading because these activities open experiences of other times and places. Their reading often brings quiet and reflection time, as well as new material for their dreams. Their travels afford them opportunities to experience different people and cultures.
Working
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Leading
ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.
Of course, these are only exerpts. But even in their incompleteness, they are still accurate. Worth investigating your own type.
Long Way Around
I’m sitting at home alone, cuddled in my favorite fleece blanket, being soothed by Nora Jones music, and reminiscing the moments I was with my new nephew tonight in the hospital. Tranquility. Peace. Oh how sweet it is.
On the drive home from the hospital I was once again jamming out with my favorite gals, the Dixie Chicks. Each time I listen to their album, Taking the Long Way, I am further impressed with the completeness of that album. From the first time I pushed the play button, I fell in love with it.
Many of their songs and especially the album cover could be included on the soundtrack of my life. So I will raise my glass to those brilliant women the Dixie Chicks and praise them heartily. Of course, lyrics are only half the beauty. Only listening to the songs can you grasp the full scope.
The Long Way Around
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday
I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I, I could never follow
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Oh, I'll just take my time, I won't lay down
And take the long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I hurt myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Easy Silence
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
On the drive home from the hospital I was once again jamming out with my favorite gals, the Dixie Chicks. Each time I listen to their album, Taking the Long Way, I am further impressed with the completeness of that album. From the first time I pushed the play button, I fell in love with it.
Many of their songs and especially the album cover could be included on the soundtrack of my life. So I will raise my glass to those brilliant women the Dixie Chicks and praise them heartily. Of course, lyrics are only half the beauty. Only listening to the songs can you grasp the full scope.
The Long Way Around
I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday
I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I, I could never follow
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Oh, I'll just take my time, I won't lay down
And take the long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I hurt myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Easy Silence
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
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