My Fire

I heard this song today and I would say its a pretty good description of what I desire.  The song is sung by a male and so I assume myself to be the subject of the song who is being sung to.  Since I was old enough to recognize what even some of my dreams were, I realized that I wanted most someone who would accompany me and be by my side as I set out on the road to reach my dreams.  My dad tells me it is my duty to follow the patriarch of my home wherever he needs to go and that it is not my place to ask any man to follow me on the pursuit of my dreams.  I so far have not conceded to his opinion and believe that two people can share a desire to accomplish one another's dreams together.  In fact, I believe this in part is what makes a happy marriage.  For this reason I love this song.  I want to fly and for someone to fly with me...

"When You Come Back Down"

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone

You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own

Before it slips away

When you're flyin' high, take my heart along

I'll be the harmony to every lonely song

That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return

My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn

And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand that always hold the line

Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine

I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call

Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high

I'll catch you when you fall

I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings

I know the sky is calling

Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

Take every chance you dare,

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

To Find Joy in Posterity

Tonight I came upon copies of the patriarchal blessings of my grandparents and parents. Amongst my familial files I also found my grandfather's obituary, the letter my grandmother wrote to the whole family before her passing, and some written histories. I read through the context of the documents and was reminded of something that I was trying to ponder just earlier today, to find joy in posterity. Most often when I try to grasp the concept, it elludes me and I don't know how it is possible to feel such a joy from posterity. I do not comprehend. But today while looking through these intimate family papers, I comprehended just a little more the joy that comes from posterity. And I am a part of my grandparents' and parents' posterity. And I find joy currently as a part of it, even though there are no links after me that bind me to any of my own posterity. My thoughts tonight are particularly tender as I am drawn to pay attention to my family ties. Reading my own patriarchal blessing, I am more able to feel a link with my future posterity and to feel apart of the chain. I look forward to setting and reaching goals with my future family. To teach them, to lead them, and to have fun and play with them. The documents that I read tonight serve as a guide and as encouragment to press on steady with my goals.

Flannel Plaid

And so I said, that I speak of love. And oh yes. Beautiful love that radiates from our hearts and from every fiber of our beings! What tremendous effect it has on us!

How does that effect change with each type of love, whether it be Eros, Philos, or Agape? The effects may be similar and some the same, but each type must have it's own unique effect over us. (I will explore that at a later date.)

I think about some of the types of love that I have experienced this last week alone. Some of the which, I wrote about in the previous post below. Another, which stands out is this...

I was out to dinner with a cherished friend. It was a low-key restaurant, super laid back atmosphere with a variety of patrons. It was my friend who first caught sight of this particular old man. The old man's hair was still thick and slightly curly. It was bright white. He wore a classic red/green flannel plaid shirt with a light jacket over and gray trousers. He was alone. My friend and I started to speak of this man that we immediately developed a liking for. His life must have a great story behind it if we had but asked. The more we paid attention to him, it was hard not to assume that this man was alone, alone without his life's companion. His trousers had a noticeable hole in one of the seams on the backside. It made me more aware that there was not a woman to pay attention to small details like these. My friend and I conversed a while more but it was not long until my eyes were welling up with tears and my friend noticed the familiar look in my eyes that meant I was on the edge of losing it. I obviously do not know this man, nor his circumstance. I only assumed what his life might be like. But for the few moments that I tried to comprehend what his situation in life might be like, I felt compassion for him and my heart ached for the pains that he must carry in his heart. I was overwhelmed with the loneliness that he feels. My friend and I started to laugh at my ease in crying in a restaurant over a stranger whose situation in life I really did not know. But, a few minutes later I was once again holding back tears as my thoughts of this man's loneliness persisted.

Our tender thoughts for this man caused us to think about the pains that Heavenly Father must bear when he sees his children going through painful circumstances. And he knows and comprehends perfectly the circumstance of each of his children. It is unimaginable to me the strength that Heavenly Father must possess. I was a weakling imagining the plight of just one of his children only.

Originally, I was intending on writing about the euphoria that we so often feel as we experience the difference types of love. Yes, love is accompanied by an interesting feeling that often washes over us and makes us feel that all is right in the world. But, sometimes with love, there is an accompaniment of not so sweet feelings -as we make an effort to bear one another's burdens, to lift them, to encourage them, to hold them when they need held, our hearts break with love instead of soaring.

And even in the sweet moments, like when I hold baby Jackson, the intensity of my thoughts and feelings are so strong, I am overwhelmed and for a moment I am paralyzed, trembling with and trying to control raw emotion. It is not something I necessarily look forward to. I am not well enough conditioned to bear such rich emotion except only in small amounts and for brief moments.

I am reminded of my first weeks when I first became a nanny. The parents were in Mexico on vacation and the new weight of caring for 3 special-needs children rested upon me heavily. So much so I found myself uncontrollably sobbing at the end of the first few nights when I finally found myself in the quiet. Except it wasn't quiet, my sobs echoed though the otherwise quiet and still house. The shear weight of the burden overwhelmed all of my senses. At the end of each busy day, finally after I managed to put all three children to bed (and managed to keep them there!) I was alone. I remember cleaning up the dishes and the rest of the kitchen, putting away the random assortment of naturopathic remedies that were stored throughout the house, picking up winter clothes off the floor and hanging them in the coat closet, letting the water out of the tub and mopping up the water that was all over the bathroom floor after bath time. I loved those little children. Despite their exaggerated conditions that sometimes made it more difficult to love them, I loved them and I felt the excruciating weight of being their caretaker and temporary sole provider of all their physical, emotional, spiritual, and social needs. It was more than I had anticipated. I didn't know how I was going to survive the 14 days by myself when each day by itself was a battle of its own. But... I did! And I learned to do it well even. For 3 years, I did. And I developed the strength I needed to bear those burdens as I worked in that special home. It is interesting to note the different effects that love has upon us. One of my greatest accomplishments is what was done while I worked inside that home and loved that family as I did, but the feelings I experienced were far from euphoria.

So love? It transcends all. It supersedes every law of the universe. It invigorates. It lifts one up. It brings us to our knees. It makes us deliriously happy. It does a myriad of things. Its intense. Its gentle. The more I ponder it, the less simple it becomes. As for now, I understand that love is a teacher of all things. I am still learning...

The Things Which We Hold On To

I held a baby today. I have never been one to swoon over babies. But this baby is my very good friend Joseph's baby. Which puts this baby in a league of its own. Joseph and his wife are two of the most Christ-like people I know, and I cannot imagine how tremendously special their baby must be. It is evident just by looking at his celestial face. Jackson was born the first weekend in October over General Conference weekend, and today was the first time I held him. All the previous times that I was asked if I wanted to hold him, I declined because I knew I would cry and of course I did not want to cry. He is such a precious baby and his specialness exudes him. I held him today finally, I thought I was finally ready, but still it was not without watery eyes. When I hold him, or touch his cheek, or his tiny fingers, its as if there is an electrical current passing from him to me, which instantaneously makes me aware of his divine nature. All babies by nature are special. But there is something extraordinarily great in Jackson Paul Sybrowsky, just like in his mom and dad.

What relevance to my life do babies have this particular day? There is a great web weaved in my mind as hundreds of thoughts sew themselves together and contribute to the feelings that I experience today.

On March 12 of this year, it will have been four years since I first entered the temple to receive my endowment. Today, was the first time that I have ever participated in the initiatory work since having done my own. The promises of the Lord humble me and infuse my spirit with light.

Also, I visited with a sister in Relief Society that I did not know up until today. My favorite part of our conversation was when we spoke of young children. I observed this girl and who throughout the rest of the introductory conversation remained reserved, when she started to speak of the small children involved in gymnastics that she coaches, her countenance lit up and a smile was spread across her face for the duration of the subject and she spoke excitedly. I liked to see her love for the little children.

Listening to her I was reminded of my new small friends whom I have an unusual admiration for. I dare say that I love these little girls. I am reminded of them each day while I am at work because on my desk there somehow appeared a small green squishy stretchy toy snake. Which is exactly what my small friends and I were hunting for when I was with them last. It is humorous to me that I keep this old worn toy sitting atop some more serious desk matter. But I keep it there of course to serve as a reminder of my special little friends who have found their way into their own corner of my heart.

The common thread of my thoughts is the principle of love.

To Be Continued...

Written in Time

Memories.  Why do I love them so much and why do I treat them as if they were worth more than gold?  I think memories are a sweet blessing given by Father in Heaven.  He knows that not all of our days will be equally bright.  And although those darker days have their purpose, I believe our Father is good, merciful, and kind enough to bless us with little rays of sunshine to lift our spirits both on dark and bright days.  

One of my favorite quotes speaks about not looking past the present joys.  What wonderful counsel!  It motivates me and excites me, because as it was said by an apostle of the Lord, it is also a testimony to me that there are always present joys to be savored.  And thats part of what makes memories so sweet I think, is because in the moment that they are made, we have to be alert enough to recognize them and store them in our bank of cherished moments.  Whether they are moments made of laughs and the sweetness that comes from two souls heartily laughing together and being connected in that moment, whether they are moments made of tears falling down cheeks and the tenderness that comes from two spirits being raw enough to reveal themselves honestly, whether they are moments made of victory and the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing a feat together as a team, or whether they are moments of solitude where the only communication that exists is between you and the Spirit, or you and Heavenly Father.  

The miracle of the human brain is incredible.  The complexity and depth of its capabilities is all too... perfect.  And to imagine that so much of its capabilities are in hibernation and how we will only know them after this sphere.. nuts I say!  My eyes brighten as I imagine the reality of an even greater day when we will have greater usage of our minds.  And then imagine the depth and scope of our memories.  What then will they be like?  

It is hard to think of memories and not be overwhelmed with the goodness of Heavenly Father.  Even the minute details of this earth life he has orchestrated in our behalf and for our enjoyment.  Just like the beauty of Earth was created for us, in much the same way and same purpose, I think memories were made available to us.  And surely as I delight in the beauty of this earth, I delight in the beauty of memories.  Yes, even the sad ones.  Maybe there is a greater worth in the sad ones, because it allows us to be reminded of where we once have been and where the Lord has been good enough to allow us to come.  Many of my tears lately have been tears of gratitude as I am reminded of older days and the blessing to make my future days whatever I would have of them.  For change.  And what worth would change have if we could not remember the previous days without an acknowledgment of that change?  Yes, there is a purpose in memories.  If we regard them correctly, they lead us to become more like Christ-inspiring, motivating, encouraging, humbling, and teaching us.  I am grateful for such memories and for the awareness of knowing that I should be grateful for them, deeply grateful.