May this blog rest in peace.

Titleless

"Are you an onion?" "Yes," he replied.  Of course before I ever asked the figurative question, I already knew the answer.  I was happy to hear the answer I expected nonetheless.  I enjoy the layers and I enjoy not knowing everything there is to know.  My most dear friend is an onion. 

In reality every human being is a complex configuration of their experiences, environment, personality, character, fears, ambitions, desires, motives, emotions, thoughts, feelings, passions, etc.  And then to think of every human being, each with his own DNA, which means their bodies are individually distinct and different as well as their minds being wired differently.  Yes, we are all pretty much the same.  I have a nose, and most likely you have a nose too.  Eyes, ears, mouth, and nose.  Yada yada yada.  Despite our similarities, there are endless ways that we are different and complex.  

Some of us dive deeper into exploring the depths of our own souls more than others.  Which means some of us understand some of our own complexities with greater clarity than others understand their own.  

I believe it takes a lifetime and more to discover who oneself is.  

At age 14, I remember walking out of the bathroom one day and catching glimpse of myself in the mirror.  For some reason or other, I saw myself in a different perspective which caused me to pause and return back to the mirror.  I stood in front of the mirror with my face right up close and stared at myself.  I wanted to stare into my reflection for as long was necessary until I saw who I truly was.  I hoped that what I knew myself inwardly as would match what I saw outwardly.  I distinctly remember singing that Mulan song that goes "Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?  Why is my reflection someone I don't know? ... When will my reflection show whom I am inside?  Dorky, I know.  But it wouldn't surprise you to know that I cried that day looking at my reflection and feeling lost and like a stranger.  I felt like an orange amongst apples.  Someone that just didn't fit.  And as a young adult, we want to fit so badly into what is "normal" and "typical" and "cool."  But as I stared at myself in the mirror, I didn't see anything new or discover the girl inside of me.  It was the same image that I had always known and the workings of my inner self were, still the same, elusive to me.

At the time, I had no idea how I could get from point A to point B - from not knowing who I was to discovering, knowing, and understanding myself.  Approximately ten years later, I can look in the mirror and understand a great deal more about myself.  Still, it is only a fraction.  But instead of crying, a grimace creeps across my face because I am proud of my talents and my uniqueness, so much that it makes me smile.  For the most part, I embrace the orange that I am and do not try to blend in as an apple.   

But, I think of myself and the complexities that I am familiar with and that are distinct to me (relatively distinct at least).  Its overwhelming to try to comprehend the entire workings of my heart, mind, and soul all in one moment!  And then multiply that by a billion and even more! We are a whole race of people walking around this earth too complex to comprehensively imagine our diversity and the make-up of each individual!!!  There is no one equation that is followed to equal the product of the human being.  Mind boggling I tell you! lol  Seriously.

Somehow we manage to get along.  Not despite, but I think especially because of our differences, we manage to get along.  We find pleasure in the other's company.  But the greatest miracle of all I think is to love them.

I do not understand one's capability to love, not in any of it's forms.  But I find myself capable of it anyhow.  The greatest gift I have been given is that ability to love.  I wish to use it rightly and wisely.  Perhaps in part for this reason, I write this entry.

There are certain rights that EVERY human being is entitled to.  One of the which is the right to be who you choose to be.  To be an individual.  Say it however you will.  We, as a gift from God, have been given agency.  The very principle that the War in Heaven was fought over - agency. It's a HUGE deal.

And as an ugly part of human nature, we have the tendency to want to project our opinions and the choices we would personally make onto others.  ie:  At a restaurant, one friend questions and asks the other, "Ewww.  Why did you order the clam chowder?  You should have ordered something like... instead."  Also: back-seat drivers.  Start thinking of all the times you project what you would choose, think, or do onto others.  Most likely, its frequent.  We want others to choose how we would choose.  We want others to behave as we would behave.  To think as we think.  Are they not entitled to just as much exercise of freedom of choice as we are?

Perhaps there is no more satisfying love than to love unconditionally embracing the differences.  Unless those differences are acknowledged, recognized and respected, the love offered seems shallow at best.   

So whatever you are, whoever you are, you deserve to be permitted to be you.  And permitted the opportunity and privilege to discover who you are and choose what you want to be.  You will love people for their differences and as you do, you will inevitably be loved in return.

To the knappy, buck-toothed, freckle-faced, grossly skinny, red-headed little girl looking at her self in the mirror singing with an imperfect voice... hold on.  You are just right as you are.  In the eyes of those that love you, you are beautiful - inside and out.  Nothing will make you more beautiful than the belief that you are beautiful and as you act accordingly you will allow and lead others to see their individual beauty.  

Do you love me because I am beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?  As God's creations, we are indisputably beautiful and unique.  Of all the billions and billions of people to live, each is their own and our greatest gift and challenge is to love them.

Chasing the Intangibles

A mighty and super cool thunderstorm was swirling in the sky above and all around me and I thought, "There is NO WAY that I am missing this!"  I love thunder and rain storms so I was thrilled that I was in a circumstance that allowed me to relish and make the most of the storm.  Naturally, my good friends allowed me to bow out of what had just been freshly planned for the night and released me so that I could chase the storm and enjoy it for all its worth!  Sweet moment of freedom!!!!  I grabbed my favorite plaid blanket, jumped in my car, and was off!  I turned off all noise so that I could hear the soothing sounds of the rain beating against my car.  

The heaviest part of the storm was in the middle of the valley and middle of the city by the time I was able to hit the road.  I wasn't only interested in being in the thick of the storm, but more interested in being in the thick of the storm by myself in the middle of no where so that I could see, breathe, and hear the sounds of nature.  The next best place to be in the storm was nestled right up into the mountains near Alpine.  I meandered my way through unknown roads until finally I found myself at a road that could go no further.  I was at the base of the mountain that still sported snowy fields.  I heard the sound of wind through the trees and fast rushing water nearby.  I unrolled my windows, turned off the lights, reclined my chair and covered myself with my blanket so that only my face could feel the cold and rainy wind blowing through the woods.  The rain pitter pattered against the roof - a sound so delicate that it could not be heard on the drive over the sound of the rain hitting the windshield which although enjoyable does not compare with the sound upon the rooftop.  

I had finally arrived!!!  And... as I listened to the sounds of nature, felt the change in temperature upon my skin, and felt the beatings of my heart getting slower and more relaxed, I knew that I was absolutely content in that one moment.  I longed for nothing more than what I had.  I had no desire to leave, no worry that encroached upon my mind, no anger that burdened my heart, no wish other than what I had that very place and time.  I simply just wanted to be.  I could even smell the aroma of the alpine trees and wondered if I could capture it to keep and carry with me for reference at a later date.  Surely the store-bought car scent does the true smell no justice.  

So many inferior things are used as a substitute for the real deal.  Sometimes in the rush of life surrounded by concrete and stop lights I forget that in the simplicity of nature is where I most long to be.  Even the clothes that I adorn myself with day to day attempting to masquerade myself as a semi-professional and spend far too many dollars and hours in the pursuit thereof are far different than the clothes I most want to be in.  Give me a pair of durable canvas shorts, a Hane's tee, and Chacos and call me a happy girl.  

Getting back to the basics.  I've made some progress here and there and have regressed equally in other areas.  Sometimes I feel that it is my life that rules me and not I that rule my life.  And I take that back, I need to allow my life to be ruled by the man upstairs, my perfect Father in Heaven.  Silly Me, I fill my time with so many unnecessary and inconsequential frivolities.  

But before I lose the blessings of the day that were found at the end of the road in a rainstorm, I will lay aside thoughts of inadequacy and shortcoming.  After an hour or so the storm passed, the evening sky was getting dark and the profile of the mountains was beginning to blend with the oncoming night.  

The day was beautiful for what I found even for the duration of my short adventure "chasing" the rain and finding a resting place to enjoy its short life-span overhead.  Sweet solace and sweet creation.  I'd chase a thousand storms to see what could be found at the end of each road.