Although as of late, I find that my thoughts will not lay still long enough to be captured in writing - this is a great frustration for me because I am unable to receive the therapeutic benefits that come from having expounded well the workings of my inner self. When I am able to draw those thoughts from my mind and spill them onto paper (or screen), the effects make me feel as if I have just been given a calming serum intravenously.
A simple but unexpected explanation to my frustrated writing habits is that I have no audience. I am a communicator by nature and happily guilty of being labeled as a blue in Dr. Taylor Hartman's Color Code which means I long for meaningful relationships and I thrive on human interaction. But as I write or as I have attempted to write on my blog in the last months, I find that my mind refuses to relinquish in any coherent form the workings of my heart and mind. Which makes me wonder... why am I mute when there is no audience? What does an audience import? What validation do I seek? Why do I need a receiver to reveal my best self to? Can I not just emulate what I am or who I am regardless? Can I not share my talents and gifts with the world without having an obvious specific receiver? I should be able to I know.
As of late I have not made myself readily available to bear the burdens of those around me. I am willing and desire to do so but as observers have noted, it has been difficult to form any connection or bond with me. I have not done sufficient introspection to know the reasons for my hard and unapproachable demeanor as perceived by those individuals who are new to my acquaintance. I suppose it is relevant to me not receiving a reaction/response/validation from the specific audience that I seek...
... and thats as far as my mind permits me to travel this evening. My thoughts have just escaped me.
****** the below is what I had originally written but before publishing the post, I returned to what was previously only a preface and made a somewhat successful effort to expound upon the thoughts I was having. *******
I've learned and experienced a great deal of goodness today. Simple things and simple pleasures. Instrumental piano music by Ludovico Einaudi while driving up Big Cottonwood Canyon alone with the crisp smell of the running river by the side of the road, feeling enlightened and strengthened through the Holy Spirit of the Lord as I sat through my first of the semester's institute classes. I got to make pinwheels for centerpieces at work and even a few extra for my new boss's children (he seemed to enjoy the pinwheels as much as I did). At the end of the day, I was even lucky to watch a film about a mom who is a breast-cancer patient and going through chemo. I sat with a friend and shared our first one-on-one conversation sharing personal stories and experiences. I saw an old friend and was lucky to be on the receiving end of a favor being given. I remembered and missed someone who I have great love for and even wondered - "What do I do with this love in my heart for one who is no longer with me?" My answer was to give that same love to someone new and risk new experiences and risk creating trust and dedicating service to a new benefactor.
Today is a Thursday and I am not surprised at all that it has been such a lovely and full day. Thursdays, second to Sundays, have long been one of my favorite days of the week.
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